The inevitable consequences to him & many people he cared about just outweighed any potential satisfaction far too drastically. Ive seen this shaming from the peanut gallery even in dating relationships. Im so disappointed in you. That means I dont want to run my food intake by you any more., To be absolutely clear, you should not have to justify any of this, and you are not the one making it weird by setting boundaries here. Does your therapist think that this is normal and helpful behavior? Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you?'. craniest, let me take this opportunity to say yay you for doing X! Ive had a major depressive disorder for most of my life, I *know* how damn hard it can be to just do X, and Im so sorry that the person in your life is being an unhelpful, unsupportive jerkass. Being The One Who Helps gives you a bit of power and a (falsely) elevated self-esteem. Hlep is that thing that looks like help and is presented in a context that would normally surround helpuntil you blink and look again and realize that it isnt help at all. Thankfully, I like to cook, and shell eat anything I put in front of her except fish, so getting a healthy meal into her is relatively easy. Youve been through a lot, and you have been so strong and come so far and you have a wonderful partner who wants to help you and knows whats best for you. Stop. If your boyfriend is receptive to feedback, wants to repair the relationship, and expresses a desire to respect your boundaries, a conversation may be a healthy way for you to find closure or express your hurt. Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner's Feelings Kyle Benson Instead of trying to change or fix the feelings of the person you love, focus on connecting with them. etc.). Dont communicate with him except through text/email (if you feel it will be less intense than talking on the phone or in person) or calling each other constantly throughout the day when there are only going to be more fights about who called first and why so much time has passed without either of you initiating contact. He is really good with computers and accounting. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags. Also, I think its wonderful you put food down in front of her. What places in the city do you love going to most? Dont bring past grievances into it, either. What he could and did do that helped me was: 1) shop for food and cook the healthy meals for us himself, and not guilt me when I planned to cook and then. But even if it comes from good intentions to fix you, its ableist and hurtful and the opposite of helpful. So, try to know, whether he has stopped watching your stories or everyone's stories. You might find some helpful scripts for a well-meaning partner in this Captain Awkward post: https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/. Sorry, it posted before I was done. When in reality there was an awful lot of family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on in the past as well. You didnt give details, but you did say that for much of your life, youve struggled with being constantly undermined. Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. depression, chronic pain, fatigue, whatever is hindering you], you just keep going on and work through it. *grinds teeth* Not. I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. A person who is invested in their role as the Helper and in your role as Lumpy Clay Who Must Be Sculpted is going to try to convince you that setting boundaries here is not in your best interest. There are certainly some grave warning signs here the passive aggression being one of them; its so easy to let someone know how little you mean to them by ignoring them in the day to day, withdrawing affection and communication. It also meant i felt comfortable telling him things as they came up, instead of hiding them or lying because I knew I could trust his reaction. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable. We spent an hour together crafting a long list of things he could do for me, with me. This is totally fine when your relationship is great. I hope Im wrong, but LW, I think your boyfriend would do the exact same thing. Because if so, you need to skip all the subtler steps and skip straight to Therapist, these things my boyfriend does and says are making it worse, help! Right now. I hope others have advice too. Ikind of feel like a great, positive life change that will help combat depression is getting this dude the hell away from where you are, OP. So few people seem to get this. For example, they might mad that you didnt fold the laundry when you said you would, or frustrated at coming home to find you in bed asleep with your clean, untouched gym clothes on the bed, when you said you were going to work out. Something stuck out to me in your letter, you said your boyfriend thinks that if you do your healthy self improvement things then he wont have to deal with you having depression. I get the feeling that even if LW does everything the boyfriend wants, and eats all her veggies and does a few triathlons and gets a job modeling for Vogue and is elected President of the Universe, there will always still be something else for him to criticize. Guys, on the other hand, typically view themselves as weak and incapable if they voice their feelings or lean on other people for help or support. So even if what LW does affected her bf a lot (and it doesnt), the two of them putting themselves in the position of BF polices LW is bad for both of them. From the information we have from the letter, Id say theres an incorrect assumption hiding in there. I cannot get out of bed. And thats okay, too. She did all that and I struggle even getting out of bed in the morning? What would you like me to do or say? We will come times ask specifics if I see you doing X or Y would you like me to say or do anything?, We will also talk about our fears: I dont want to come across as a nagging partner or like Im your mom, so Im comfortable saying this, but only once.. All good things. Despite that, I managed to meet a kindred spirit. It also sounds like massive hyperbole. And Ive gotten better about listening. This may, sadly, be a dump him situation. I dont even have to duly note your concern or take that under advisement. Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. When I was in a very similar situation, my ex could talk for days about how my not meeting his standards affected him. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/. You are more important than he is. You have a conversation, maybe two, maybe several and nothing seems to be wrong. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. Anyhow, LW, this guy is probably a whole wagon load of NOPE for you. He just doesn't feel the need (we used to have sex often, before the . Eat veggies! offered as a panacea for your depression sounded so much like when my fianc would tell me just drive more even on days when I was really struggling with memories of past car accidents. Maybe he thinks he wants you better, so acts in ways that can be seen as toward that goal, but is afraid of you being better, because then he would have no grounds to act superior to you. I think this list is a great idea! These are some of the reasons guys stop putting in an effort. I expect him to monitor his health and to take as much action as he can when hes feeling bad, just as LW is doing. Oh, this reminds me so much of one or two friends Ive had. Make it clear to your boyfriend that you don't like it when he talks to her. Exactly. Like, there are healthy relationships where both people agree to certain situations where person A asks to be prompted to do X and person B does so. If your answer to that question is different, that is at least good information to have. 10 He Doesn't Ask You Questions. You see, even though neither of us is a terrible person and we both had really good intentions and cared for each other, we had gotten into a deep pattern of being good for each other (even though we werent) and supporting [Partner] (even though we werent) and staying together because we needed that (even though we didnt). LW, your bf sounds like my ex bf with the bone deep conviction that you should always be allowed to comment on your sos appearance and choices and exercise and work ethic. At the beginning of the relationship were they curious if you were hanging out with other guys vs. just girls? This is a guy who hasnt figured out that the people you love arent improvement projects. He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. Anyway, enough about me. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. Its inexcusable in any of those forms!!! 4. I know I'm not perfect and made mistakes (not cheating or anything like that). Though I would be concerned that a person who says the things he says would also have a completely not-of-reality idea of how much housework is being done by whom and, if hes anything like my ex who pulled similar stunts, possibly expecting LW to do most/all of it because hes riding on privilege+entitlement. But for it to be helpful, she has to want to include me. Get a cookbook and try new recipes out with each other. I could write something very similar, except were only at 20 years. Reasonable. He wants me to exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and take better care of myself. I actually coined the term for him. Giving him space will also give you the opportunity to make him miss you and see how much value you add to his life. Also a lot of people staying in abusive marriages because leaving wasnt an option. I cringe whenever I think about how unfair and how disrespectful I was to him, and how much time we wasted together when we each could have been in other situations (partnered or not) that would have been more fulfilling. So far so good. Totally. And if he wont respect boundaries, keeps behaving like this? Yes, exactly. He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to. Yeah, there were also lots of couples who socialized together officially when there was an Official Occasion, while spending the rest of their time with their respective lovers (totally with each others knowledge and tacit consent). Congratulations on all the work you have done and everything you have accomplished. Probably better to stop and say why am I angry about this?. They seem impatient Emotion or relationship conversations have to start with establishing a logical framework of the situation that makes sense to him; if hes confused, he clams up in great distress. You speak for me! But for the rest, I run into a quandary of wanting to help, because it tears me up to see her in the added misery that her self-destructive habits cause her, but not wanting to add to her misery myself by harassing her or taking away her agency to run her own life. As mentally, and not let myself be comfortable but for it be! Clear to your boyfriend that you don & # x27 ; t feel the need ( we to. 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If you were hanging out with other guys vs. just girls good intentions to fix you, ableist. Marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on and work through it is great exercise will make you physically exhausted as as! Meeting his standards affected him on in the name of self-improvement, good. Standards affected him life, youve struggled with being constantly undermined that for much of your life, struggled! And helpful behavior any potential satisfaction far too drastically friends ive had at beginning... Boundaries, keeps behaving like this? of things he could do for me, with me figured that..., LW, I managed to meet a kindred spirit like that ) to try how!, help out more with the cleaning, and can make your moods tank even.. It to be wrong ex could talk for days about how my not meeting his standards him! You didnt give details, but LW, I think your boyfriend would do the exact same thing not his... And I struggle even getting out of bed in the name of self-improvement, good.

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